Coming to the End of a Road

It is an inevitability that for every beginning, there must also be an end. Throughout life, we will encounter many types of endings. The end of a marriage, the end of a job, leaving a home, the loss of a parent, a friendship, death of a loved one, our children growing up and leaving us… the examples are endless. Sometimes these endings will be our choice, and others will seem to come out of nowhere. Whether these losses are expected or not, the end result is the same. Life as we know it is different and we are forever changed as a result. Here are some helpful steps for processing these profound life changes in a healthy way.

Identify the event –

Acceptance is a huge step in moving forward. Often times, especially in dealing with a particularly painful or traumatic life event such as death, divorce, loss of a job or home, our first survival instinct is to deny the event has occurred. Avoidance is an unhealthy coping mechanism as it prevents acceptance, which in turn prolongs the healing and recovery process. We must deal with our emotions before they deal with us. There is power in acceptance. Some examples may be –

“I’m no longer married to __________”

“__________ has passed away.”

“I no longer work at ___________”

“My children are grown now and have their own lives.”

“__________ is no longer a part of my life.”

This may be something you need to write down, say out loud to yourself or repeat in the mirror. Be prepared for the flood of accompanying emotions to follow. Have a good support system ready to help you process these emotions. A couple of friends, chocolate and a good cry can sometimes be the best medicine in dealing with grief. Specialized support groups can prove to be a valuable asset, allowing you to share your thoughts and emotions with others who have been through a similar experience. We must allow ourselves to face and grieve the loss if we are ever to move forward.

Don’t compare loss or progress –

No one has the same relationships or emotions as the next person. We are all affected differently by loss, so it is only natural for the way we process our grief to be unique to that of our peers. Never let yourself feel guilty or pressured to “get over it” as quickly as someone else. It is not uncommon for siblings to have different reactions to the loss of the same parent, or for one spouse to move on quickly from a divorce, while the other may require years to come to terms with it. Move at your own pace. There is no timeline for grief.

How does the change affect YOU?

What does this life change mean for you specifically? Identifying the effects of the life change can help us to prepare our next steps. Take stock of where things stand in the aftermath. For instance, if the ending pertains to a job, the focus needs to be supplementing that income. If the change was a death or divorce, what roles did that spouse/parent/friend play in your life or in your family? Were they the bread-winner? Did they host holidays, plan events or schedule doctors appointments? These are important things to consider in planning next steps. These roles must be filled and dispersed. You are not replacing that person, just honoring them by continuing their work or legacy, and helping to lessen the void left from their absence. If the event is empty-nest, what does your life post-raising children look like? What new opportunities or hobbies have you been wanting to try but never had the time?

Not the ending, but the beginning –

Once you have accepted the event and begun to process the initial accompanying emotions, you can start exploring hope and new possibilities. Death, divorce, termination and rejection are horrible truths of life and can be very traumatic to endure. The best advice I ever received was

Don’t view it as an ending, look at it as a new beginning…a fresh start.“

Just hearing that statement unlocked something in my mind and in my heart. With some hope and a positive mindset, endings are beginnings, rock-bottoms are launching points, and from trauma springs forth growth and self-discovery. For me, divorce meant sleeping in the middle of the bed, watching what I wanted on television and a new life where the only limits are what I put on myself. Looking back on what at the time felt like my biggest failure, turned out to be my greatest opportunity at happiness. Accept “the end” as the end of that particular chapter of your life, but not the end of YOU. Take your lessons from it and create a new world for yourself.

-Take care and be well!

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