The Power of Forgiveness

Why is it so Important to Forgive?

Forgiveness does not imply that what someone did to you is okay or allowed, it simply means that you are making a choice to not allow what they did to ruin your happiness. It took me a long time to understand what it means to forgive someone who chose to hurt me, but after a lot of soul searching, I realized that forgiveness is not about accepting or excusing bad behavior. It is about letting go, establishing boundaries and preventing their behavior from destroying anymore of your life or heart. Forgiveness is a sign of healing within us.

When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive.”
Nelson Mandela

What if the Person you Need to Forgive is Not Sorry?

The most difficult person to forgive is the person who fails to recognize or accept responsibility in their hurtful behavior. We must still forgive those people who are not sorry for their actions. Holding on to anger and resentment only hurts you in the long run, not them. Sometimes people have not apologized because they are too ashamed. Maybe you are dealing with a narcissist who cannot accept they are capable of wrongdoing, or just does not care about your feelings in general due to their own ego and pride.

Just because you forgive does not mean you must forget. When someone shows you who they are, you must pay attention. Trust takes a lifetime to build, but only a second to destroy. If someone has shown you how little they value you, or they cannot be trusted, then you need to establish boundaries to protect yourself from future acts of bad behavior. It does not necessarily mean they need to be cut out of your life, (unless of course your health/safety/welfare depends upon it due to the nature of behavior) sometimes the relationship just needs to be redefined. The best way to identify a toxic person in your life is how they react to you defining your healthy boundaries.

Create Your Own Closure

Sometimes we must learn to accept the apology we will never get. When other forms of confrontation or closure are unavailable to us, (death, incarceration, etc.) or the threat of further damage is too great, then it may be necessary to create your own closure. One example is to write a letter to them detailing your feelings about what they did, then read it out loud as if you were speaking to them. Once you are finished, either tear it in a million pieces or burn it. Imagine the hurt inside of you being symbolically destroyed with the letter. Feel the release of the pain and resentment you have been carrying with you. Say out loud that they no longer control you. For those suffering serious psychological wounds from past abuse, seeking the professional help of a therapist can help you with the tools you need to find closure and heal from your specific trauma.

Take Your Power Back

When you refuse to forgive someone, you are giving your power to that person. Most of the time, unfortunately, the antagonist in the situation gets satisfaction from your anger and misery over their behavior. They know they can push your buttons, which was ultimately their main purpose.

He who angers you, controls you.”
Elizabeth Kenny

Holding onto anger only hurts you, not them. When we refuse to forgive, those feelings of hate and bitterness can manifest as anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure, vascular resistance, decreased immune response and prolonged illnesses. When we choose to forgive, we are stating that the damage caused by the other person ends now. No matter how the other party chooses to behave, you must no longer allow yourself to be hurt by them. If they wish to continue to have a role in your life, then they must respect not only you but your boundaries as well.

The Importance of Forgiving Yourself

What if the person you need to forgive is you? Sometimes we are the toxic ones and are not always the hero in everyone else’s story. If the problem is you, that does not make you less worthy of love or forgiveness. You just have to keep growing and forgive your past, just as you would another person. Become self-aware of your toxic traits, identify any generational curses that you may have inherited, or demons you are wrestling. The old adages, “Hurt people hurt people” and “Misery loves company” are both describing the cycle of abuse. An unhealed spirit will spread hate and bitterness wherever they go. They cannot be content or find happiness until they confront their unresolved trauma and release their hurt and negativity.

No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future.”
Umar ibn Al-Khattab

No one is perfect. Everyone has said things they cannot take back and done things they wish they had not. Dwelling on the past does not change a single detail, it just keeps you from enjoying the present. We have a personal responsibility to ourselves, our loved ones, our community, and the future generations to be a better person tomorrow than we were yesterday.

We Define Ourselves; We Decide Who We Are, We Write Our Own Stories.

You decide what your story will be. Do not let someone else tell you who or what you are. You just get up every day and show them. Do not identify as a victim, but as a survivor. Take your power back.

You are NOT:

your past choices
your failures
your former relationships
your past associations
your old habits
your siblings
your parents
your adolescent/childhood trauma

Your past does not define you. We can learn, grow, and heal from anything in our lives. Forgive yourself first and it will be easier to forgive others. If God can forgive us, then we can forgive others. Forgiveness is the key to unlocking our blessings. Every morning brings a new opportunity to become a happier, healthier version of you!